Every now and again you receive a decent item of junk mail. Sure, it’s an occurrence less frequent than a tax rebate, but occasionally it does happen. Last week, a copy of Westfalia’s 85th Anniversary Brochure was sitting on my doorstep. The front cover didn’t leave a lot to the imagination: it was a full frontal of a twin-bit power drill with 11 torque settings and two automatic gears. Grrrr, manly. I could almost feel the testosterone swell inside me just by opening the cover. I presumed it would mainly consist of drill bits and hard hats. But there was so much more: 600-watt electric meat grinders, demolition hammers, electric jam jar openers, anvils, adhesives that can take the weight of a car, surround sound home theatre systems… the list goes on and gets even more obscure. It’s like an Argos catalogue, but with a crew cut, greasy hands and a penchant for destruction.
And in some ways, it’s not unlike the Jaguar XKR. You may remember the first version was glamorised on the silver screen by James Bond’s nemesis in Die Another Day. In a film where the cars were definitely more exciting than the plot, the supercharged Jag had rocket launchers hidden in the bumpers and a chain gun not-so-hidden on the boot. In comparison to Bond’s own risible invisible – named by Q as the Aston Martin ‘Vanish’ – the Jaguar stole the show.
And from first appearance, the updated XKR is no different. Apart from the weaponry, of course. It’s a balls-out sports car: gaping air vents hungry to feed the superchargers, alloys that would be at home on a hip hop video, and four angry exhaust pipes dripping with rabid saliva ever time you squeeze the throttle.
Inside, it’s a completely different story though. The seats are more luxurious than Virgin’s business class and there’s enough suede to start a Jimmy Choo factory. The cheap wood veneer and plastic buttons are the only evidence of Ford’s tight-natured management. But once you’ve depressed the ‘start’ button, all is forgiven.
The 4.2 litre V8 rumbles away exactly as it should. Sitting in traffic, you can feel it vibrating through the accelerator pedal, gently teasing you with the power poised beneath your right foot. Once it’s unleashed, the bite lives up to the bark. For a car of its size and stature, the acceleration is supreme, and the noise… oh, the noise. The tight B-roads of Somerset and Devon I was driving became an acoustic heaven, as the thick hedges banking the roads reverberated with the wondrous roar from the V8. It’s something you’ll never get tired of.
A quick check in the wing mirrors, and you’re flashed with the automotive equivalent of cleavage – a curvaceous rear fender that swells up at the bottom of the mirror. It’s all very seductive, all very Bond.
Of course, the real beauty of Bond’s cars is that they practically drive themselves. And the Jaguar’s not much different. The traction control is so well balanced that you can thrash it round like a stunt driver, but without the spectacular collisions. There’s radar-assisted cruise control, automatic lights, automatic windscreen wipers – you just need to point it in the right direction, and the rest is taken care of. Slide the gear selector across to ‘Sport’ and there’s even more fun to be had, as the gearbox and engine begin to enjoy the drive as much as you are. Even the sliding action of the selector is superior. Compare it to say, a Mercedes, where ‘Sport’ can be found after a fumble then a few flicks of a button… it’s just not the same; it’s just not Jaguar.
So what of the other German counterparts? The most obvious alternative is the BMW M6. But then you have to drive a BMW M6: a car that is frankly uglier than syphilis. How about an Audi? The suspension gives away the game here. The Jaguar glides instead of grates. Where the new Audis use magnets, iron filings and train girders, the Jaguar uses silk sheets, lingerie and champagne.
Despite all the problems Jaguar were facing during the production of this car, it has succeeded on almost every level.
There was only one thing preventing that Westfalia catalogue from being a one-stop shop for everything a man needs… and that was the omission of a Jaguar XKR.
By Mark Hedley

Make: Jaguar
Model: XKR Coupe
Engine: 4.2-litre V8 engine
Power: 416bhp @ 6250rpm
Torque: 413lb ft of torque at 4000rpm
0-60mph: 4.9sec
Top Speed: 155mph
Price: £70,995